i feel as though i may have missed my calling. the other day, i stopped by my buddy mangler's house and he said that he needed a hair cut. i told him that i would be happy to. with some obvious reluctance, and the fall back plan of him being willing to shave his head if i screwed up majorly, he let me cut his hair. and cut i did. trimming, tapering, and blending like no other. when i was done, his hair looked eexactly as it did before he sat in my magical chair. just ab 1/2 in. shorter. i was a little worried while i was cutting, but once you get a beer or two in you, you relax a little, and let the scissors work their magic.
meatheads barber shop: where beers don't drink themselves!
coming to a neighborhood near you.

HE'S BACK!!!

so it looks like i never got around to telling you guys about my vacations as i promised one post ago. that was a very long time ago it seems. that's my bad. i'm not gonna make some lame excuse about being to busy with school, work, and life in general, but i'm not gonna talk down to my fans like that. y'all are to smart. you know it's laziness that drives me.
so now i will try and sum up a 10 day trip in less than 1000 words.
-tiring
there. i think i did it. it was a great trip but it just wore me out. with the 6 hr time difference,and walking everywhere it was tiring. but i would like you kids to know, it was awesome!!! i really enjoyed seeing the different culture. like what people thought was ok, like drinkin at lunch no matter what day of the week it was. i really enjoyed that because that's something i adhere to in the states. but it's sometimes frowned upon. stupid bible belt. i would like y'all to know that beer was cheaper than water over there. it was 3 euros for a bottle of water and 2 euros for a pint of heineken, peroni, or estella damm. if that were the case here, i would be a little overweight.
wait...what was i talking about? oh yea, culture. did you know most europeans speak english? kinda strange since most english folks don't speak european don't ya think? but that made my travel a lot easier. plus i'm psuedo fluent in really bad spanish so i had that going for me. i knew that would help in spain and i thought i could piece things together in italy since both are romance languages, but no. just no. i had no clue what was going on and being said in italy. which made it that much harder to get around. which makes me...
give european folks also a big fat F for street signs. we had maps, but it does no good to have a map if you don't know where you are on it. i asked Mrs. Meat why we couldn't have bought one of those maps that knows where you are. you know, like the one at the mall that says you are here. she never answered me. i bet those need batteries. that must be why we didn't get one. european batteries are prolly shaped differently like the outlets.
and that's european culture in as few words as an ignorant windbag can put it. don't you feel like you've been there? if you do, you're a moron.

I Bet They Don't Celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Spain

it's that time of year kids. end of the spring semester, nba/nhl playoffs, pollen turning my black car yellow, and the Meat's anniversary time. yessiree. it's been a year since the west coast trip where i fell in love with wine, cruised the golden gate bridge, and rode trolleys. time flies when you're having fun. or at least when you forget so much that you can only remember 1 outta every 3 things that happens to you. why am i typing right now?...oh yea, blogging.
so this year on cinco de mayo, Mrs. Meat and i will celebrate 3 years of marital bliss. i can thank her for the bliss because lets face it, i'm a goofy looking moron, and she takes pity on me. thanks dear. this year she's taking me on a mediteranean cruise!
we sail (figuratively of course) outta barcelona, with stops in monte carlo, livorno, cit!^9+$ccia (i think that's how it's spelled), naples, the island of palma de mallorica, and back to barcelona. we will spend a couple extra days in barcelona on the front end of the trip so we will spend a total of 9 days in europe. i've never been and hope they appreciate my special brand of humor. if not i guess worst case is, they hate it, and just ship me back. right? or is worst case a firing squad? maybe i should look this up.
i'm not sure how much i will be able to let my adoring fans know how things are going while over there, i don't know if europeans (hehehehe. i just said you're a peein'. oh me. i slay me.) have the interweb yet. but i will be using a slightly outdated form of communication called jounaling, and when i return i will post my findings of the area of the world from which we get the middle ages. i wonder if they are outta that era yet? guess i'll find out soon.

Crack Heads are Fun!

so, for those of you not in the know, i'm gonna let you in on something. i'm still in school. i know, i know, you thought i had to be at least 65 because of the amount of wisdom (albeit infrequently; sorry about that) i drop on you. i'm going for nursing, but i'm gonna become a paramedic in the process. that, in and of itself is a long story that i'm not gonna bore you with. anywho...i told you that to tell you this fun story.
i did my first ride-a-long friday and it was a barrel of fun. barrel of monkeys sized fun even. we went out on our last call of the day around 6 pm and were called to a liquor store where a man had fallen behind the store. (must be a drunk, right?) when we arrive, we find a 50 yr old white male about 5'6" 120lbs with a big cut to his forearm, sans shirt but pro mullet. and of course, since we are in the south, a bud racing cap on. when we get outta the truck, the first thing he says is, "i'm not goin' to the hospital. i ain't goin'." he had a distant look in his eye and a slur in his speech, so we asked how much he had had to drink today. he said, "i don't drink. i smoke crack cocaine." the cops around smiled and laughed. after ascertaining from the fella that the current year is 1946, then '75, then '95, we informed him that he was not of sound mind to make his own decisions and that his arm needed medical attention. now we have to get an angry crack head on a stretcher. 2 cops, 2 paramedics and lil 'ol me. that was some fun rastlin'. and there was blood flyin' which added to the fun. not mine of course.
once we got him tied to the stretcher, we drove to the hospital. during the rastlin' and the transport he told us that we were nice folks doin' a great job and that he really appreciated it. either that or it was the total opposite. also with him spitting all over the back of the ambulance and telling us what he really thought about our mommas, with f-bombs, and letting us know that we were all "n_____ lovers." the people who had called 911 and were standing next to him when we got there were all black.
once we got him to the e.r., he continued with this type of behavior. while there he decided that a short, sweet, southern bell of a nurse was gonna be his focus while at the hospital. he cussed at her more than anyone else combined. she finally just stopped, looked at him, and said, "honey, if you don't start bein' nice, i'm gonna shove a big 'ol tube, down your lil bitty winkie."
and that's what i'm gonna remember about my first ride-a-long. lil bitty winkie.

A New Car!

now pretend that rod roddy said that. don't know who rod roddy is? famed former announcer for the price is right? you suck at life then. sigh...
i'm writing to let the good fans of MGT know that i did not sell out. i know i've been seen cruisin' around town in a bmw x3. yes it is owned by the meats. no i did not sell out. it is the official Mrs. Meat mobile. since she is my sugar momma, what Mrs. Meat wants, Mrs. Meat gets.
also, to show the world that i am the voice of the people, instead both getting new cars, we went with 1 for the price of 2. why you ask? because how can i voice your concerns while cruising around in a new car? the majority of MGT fans out there are ridin' around in clunkers that barely crank every day. i know i do. the only exceptions are our corporate sponsors. and we love you guys.
so as long as i am still allowed to write to the people of the world, i will continue to drive a car with a cd player that doesn't work. a car that leaks so much oil i have to call it a "self-changing oil system" to keep from sounding like a total loser. a car that hasn't been washed in 8 months because the dirt is the only thing holding it together. a car with seats that are so stained, you want a shot of penicillin when you get out.
so to answer your question of why? because you do, i do.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!

The Mustache. Not Just for March Anymore.

the month of november brings us turkey, football, and of course joy. for no-shave-november. this is where no shaving, shaping or trimming is allowed of ones facial hair. lots of fun. inevitably december comes and people are forced to shave. this is exhibit a of some one who missed a spot. for those who are wondering, this is the brother i often mock for not reading my blog. he's funny looking.

File This Under Humbug, Bah

according to my last post, it's november. that's a good thing right? thanksgiving is the next major holiday. then i turned the radio on. christmas music. really? what the crap is that doing on?!?!?!?! i haven't had turkey yet. people of the radio world, one holiday at a time please. i can't celebrate christmas for a month and a half. i love christmas as much as the next guy, but seriously, i can only take so much josh groban. plus there are only 14 different christmas songs. if i wanted to hear different versions of the same song i would listen to rap music!
then you have these people who decorate for christmas mid-november. if setting up for christmas 1.5 months prior is acceptable, then we have to allow for 1.5 months post christmas. that's 3 months of rudolf in the front yard. unacceptable people. we can't allow christmas to take up 25% of the year. we can't have this!
when should we start anticipating the celebration of the immaculate conception? glad you asked me. maybe we should look towards Jesus' momma. she had her turkey, dressing (not stuffing), and cranberry relish (not sauce,) then she went shopping for His happy b-day banner. on black friday. at wal-mart. (they had a deal on sandals that year. Jesus gets a pair for his b-day and all of a sudden it becomes the hit of the millennium. very glad he didn't get a furbie. coulda been an annoying 1000 years.)

Is He Cocky or What? I Think What.

arrogence and cockiness. most think they are one in the same. me being the perpetual humanatarian, i'm here to set the world straight. anyone who knows me know that i am rather arrogant. i'm ok with that. i believe that arrogant comes from the greek aros which was the greek god of confidence. so therefore, arrogance is nothing but confidence. i'm very confident. i'm ok with that. some might say, i'm overly confident, but it adds to my boyish charm.
cockiness on the other hand, comes from the klingon word cochery, which means to poke Lt. warf with a needle. who is lt. warf you ask? time you watch some star trek nest gen. he's the biggest bad ass ever on star trek. anywho...therefore cocky means to prick. or in shortened form, just a prick. so it is safe to say, an arrogent prick is cocky.
i really hope that this has cleared the air on this hot topic of debate. i considerate my public service for the month of september. what's that? it's november? crap. i really gotta change my calendar.

p.s. no animals were harmed for this post.
also no actual research was done for this post.

Growin' old with Me

Well folks, it's finally happened. I'm on the downslope of a quarter-century. I turned the big 2-6 yesterday. Turnin' 25 was hard. I realized that 1/4 of the way to 100, I hadn't done as much as great men in history. My only claim to fame, creating the Internet, penecillin, and mens capri's. Hey, 2 outta 3 ain't bad. Or so Meatloaf says.
I had a great birthday, and to all the folks who showed up at the b-day dinner I say thanks. I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did. A pitcher 'o pizza, and slice 'o beer is the best way to celebrate a b-day ever. 17 in all showed up to bask in my residual old man glory. Only 1 was younger than I was but nonetheless.
Getting old is nice though. I believe I should get my first social security check next week. And my AARP card showed up yesterday. So the perks of old age are already showing up. Who knows, with a little luck, I can get Viagra in a month. Yippee!!!!

It's Like This, Only Less

so, a few posts back, i mentioned something ab this twitter craze. i broke down. i now tweet. (still can't conjugate it though) i am meatjutt to the twitter world. i'm not one of those peeps who follows celebs so i know more ab their lives. i follow my friends so i know whats goin on in their lives. its like stalking, without being criminal. wait...i mean...ughhh...i mean its like facebook with out stupid cause invitations. if you sent me a cause invitation, i rejected it. stop sending me that crap. i don't care.
in a past life i was known as jutt, and this combines my two nicknames. also its a pun. get it? meet. meat. i'm to witty for my own good. anywho...i don't tweet ab what i'm doing every minute of every day, i use things for what were made for. like tweeting. hooray unoriginality!

Look at Me!I Can Blog in the Go!

i'm hoping this works properly. just set up for mobile blogging. if this doesn't work, then i don't know where this went. this is a picture of my joy!!

Toothless People, Unite!

so for the past month or so, i've been doing my best to drop a few lbs and get in better shape. this comes on the heels of a father's day sporting event where i played my brothers in football and i realized i was the fattest of the siblings. i also realized i was in the worst shape i have ever been in in my life. on a side note we did have a race and i did win. beat all my bro's. even the one who weighs 40 lbs less. and to all the peeps out there with brothers, isn't beating them in sporting events all that matters? anywho...
since i've been workin' out and eating better, i cut out sweets. this was hard bc i do have a sweet tooth. as some former and current co-workers can attest, downing a 1/2 dozen cookies in one sitting is no challenge at all. since i'm not eating sweets, i thought, "hey, what better time to compile my top 10 favorite candies." as with all my top 10's, this one goes to 11.
rules are, must be found in the gas station candy isle. and no specialty/local only style candy. i wanna be able to get it in greenville, omaha, truckee, anchorage, and everywhere in between. and no seasonal candy. sorry candy canes.
sooooooooo, here we go


11. regular m&m's. it's a staple. everybody loves it. unoffensive. convenient. how do you go wrong?


10. gummy bears/worms. but not fish. they just aren't as good. i can't explain it. it's in their dna. i prefer the worms to the bears, but then i'm just a lil' off.


9. tootsie pop. this is the only representative from the sucker category. it came down to the tootsie pop vs the blow pop. both have a solid sucker, but the fact that the gum in the blow pop lasts about 30 seconds then turns to mush, makes it a loser in this category.


8. twix. cookies? good! caramel? good! chocolate? good! now bring all three of your hands together. not good enough yet? you get 2 in a pack. i no longer need to make an argument for the twix.


7. Mr. Goodbar. (candy royalty) i was gonna put the classic hershey bar in the spot, but i left it off for reasons that are threefold. 1. Mr. Goodbar is a hershey bar, but with peanuts. that's how you improve on a good thing. 2. there is a car in greenville that is painted yellow and has Mr. Goodbar written down the side. awesome. greenville has a Mr. Goodbar car. and it's on 24 in. rims. 3. in hershey pennsylvania, the highway that runs outside the hershey park is not called the hershey highway. how do you pass up the opportunity for one of the best jokes all time. instead you went with chocolate ave. you suck pennsylvania.

6. sour patch kids. its the rich man's gummy. if you don't like a little sour in your candy, you prolly don't like this pick, but i think they are amazing. a higher quality gummy than the traditional gummy bear, then coated with sour goodness.

5. starburst. multiple flavors in one pack. all of them good. yes even the yellow. plus what better way to rate how well someone kisses without kissing them than to give them a starburst.

4. caramello. oh my. so good. a very good, spoil yourself kinda candy. this isn't a "i wanna snack" kinda candy. this is a, high end, gotta slowly eat it and enjoy kinda candy. few of those in the world.

3. skittles. because i always wanted to know what rainbows taste like. now i now. and them things is GOOD!!! maybe that's why i can never find the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow. bc skittles has harvested the other end and turned it into sweet droplets of rainbow. oh well. i think it's a good trade.

2. reese's cup. a perfect combo of chocolate and peanut butter. but the real reasoning is again twofold. 1. if you are on the go and can't get chocolaty fingers, you can always get the reese's pieces. 2. this is the easiest reason of all. bc there's no wrong way, to eat a reese's.

1. snickers. chocolate. caramel. peanuts. nougat. patrick ewing as a spokesman. who woulda ever thought the missing link could be a pitchman. all so good. the best combo. even if i have no idea what nougat is or where it comes from. i think the aliens brought it when the dropped off the duck-billed platypus. lets be honest, i'm glad they dropped off both of them.

Kids These Days

so as i've said, my little brother refuses to read my blog. he sucks at life. since he refuses to read such amazing pieces literary history, i figure it's a great place to discuss what to get him for his b-day.
he'll hit the big 20 in a few days, and i'm unsure what to get the lil' fart. i'm that guy in the fam that gets the good gifts for everyone. i've gotta keep this reputation up.
it's really a matter of formula. 2 parts fun, 1 part functionality, 1 part cuteness for the ladies, 1 part masculine for the fellas, 1 part sentimentality and 96 parts affordability. using that formula, a new ferrari is outta the question. sorry tater head. (because he looked like Mr. Potato head as a baby.) also you can prolly rule out ownership stake in the braves, a private jet, new t.v., or much needed penis enlargement.
i guess i will go with ol' reliable. since the kid loves movies, (he's prolly seen as many as i have even though he's 6 years my junior) i will go hit up the used dvd store. nothing says happy b-day like a previously viewed version of short circuit, little big league, and corky romano. i know. i'm really to good to the kid. i mean, short circuit? i should prolly save that for a christmas gift. throw in short circuit 2 and you get the holiday gift set.
man i'm good!!!

Homer Simpson Can Now Die Happy

its time we address an ongoing phenomenon. its not a bad thing at all. just something i didn't see coming.

a wise man named Mangler (bearded royalty) once said, "bacon makes everything better." i've tested that theory. its true. burger? better. steak? better. waffles? better. sex? better. sausage wrapped bacon with cheese in the middle? definitely better with bacon on top.

that being said, i've known for a while that bacon is awesome. but it seems to be invading other foods quick. i saw bacon flavored cheddar slices in the grocery store. i teared up a little. it was a great day.

then i found bacon salt. that's right. bacon salt. wanna know the crazy part. it's kosher. i don't have any clue how to get bacon flavor in something, and keep it kosher. i'll admit, tears rolled down my face. it was a great day.

then, it happened. i found proof that heaven is a place called earth. hold bacon in your left hand, and mayonnaise in your right (sorry if you have less than 2 hands. you can use feet if necessary. if you are also missing feet, sorry friend. just use your imagination.) now bring your hands together. that's right, Baconnaise (that's food royalty if there ever was one.) i wept openly. it was a glorious day. i'm still crying. and as my eyes glaze with tears of joy, i see a cardiologist eyes roll to $$. oh well. its so worth it. mmmmm...... my chest hurts.... someone.....get me an aspirin....wrapped in bacon. mmmmm.....death never tasted so awesome.

Random Cuts of Meat

haven't checked in with the meat-maniacs lately, and given the string off big deaths lately, i figured i would let you know what i thought about them, and some other random stuff.

anybody else think the sham-wow guy teamed up with ronco and knocked off billy mays?

mark sanford was the hottest thing on the news, then michael jackson died. did the gop take out the king of pop to get there man outta the news?

speaking of sanford, why is everybody amazed that a political leader had an affair. i'm amazed it was 6 months between gubernatorial scandals. and hey, at least it was with a woman. thanks new jersey for makin' sc look better.

magnets are the 2nd coolest toy ever. big wheel is #1.

would it be racial profiling if you accused a white man in a white panel van of being an electrician?

i can't take credit for this being an original question but, if you had sex with a prostitute and didn't pay, would that be rape or shoplifting?

if you had a shower head made of gold, would that mean you took a golden shower?

Rockin' Robin. Tweet. Tweet.

what's with this twitter stuff? i believe the kids are callin' it "micro-bloggin'." i'm not sure if i should love it or hate it. i like that it allows you to blog daily, nightly and ever so rightly, but they are just snippets. they can be fun, but i don't need to know that you are giving you kid a bath. same goes for facebook status. that being said, i will eventually join the twitter craze and begin to tweet myself. i just need to learn how to conjugate twitter. (to tweet. twittered. twittering. tweeted. chirping? who knows) i figure it will allow me to go from thousands of followers on blogspot, to millions between twitter and blogspot. the next step after that, my own cable television show. but first i need a good twitter name.

heads will roll? sounds goth chick rocker like.
i fart in your general direction? to british humor
meats tweets? sounds dirty.
lengen-wait for it-dary tweeting? to barney stinson
headin' for good times with meat? a little long
abbey normal? i may have to check 'n see if that's available
meathead says? maybe...
meat's peeps? could be....

Arnold Style

went the entire weekend commando. it was a great weekend. the freedom. the ease of getting dressed, and undressed for that matter. it makes me wonder why more people don't do it. if you have never done it, i recommend you try it.
just in case you don't know, if you "go commando" it means you don't wear underwear. so nice. no adjusting the boxers. pulling the boxer-brief down, or pulling the Tighty Whitey outta the pooper. it just makes life easier.

10 Reasons to Like Canada. Because Most of us Need a Reason

with the stanley cup finals goin' on right now, that's hockey in case you were wondering, i decided i would compile a list of good things we get from canada.

11. poutin. aka gravy fries with topped with cheese curds. something so bad for you, must be good.

10. dan ackroyd. snl. blues brothers. coneheads. ghostbusters. bc of all that i will forgive him for teaming up with satan when he did "dish is a disease" campaign for charter.

9. alex trebek. mr. mustache is awesome. he has entertained us for years, and since he apparently doesn't age, he will be entertaining our great-great grandchildren also.

8. robin scherbatsky. shes a character from the show how i met your mother. its a fantastic show that has doogie howser on it. she constantly makes references to canadian life therefore teaching me what the great white north is truly like.

7. maine, vermont, new hampshire, minnesota, and the northern part of michigan. the only good things i can think of from these states is, the syrup and cheese we get from vermont. the twins from minnesota who provided us with one of the best world series all time in '91 when they beat the braves. new hampshire gave me my good friend sick nick goddard. maine gives us lobster. and i think we should give back the little northern finger part of michigan back we have no real use for it.

6. speaking of syrup. pure maple syrup is amazing. what better place to get maple syrup than a country with a maple leaf for a flag.

5. bigfoot. this one is tricky. his mother is from wisconsin, but his dad is from alberta. while they were visiting daddy bigfoot's parents baby bigfoot was born. but since his birth certificate says canadia on it, he is canadian.

4. the kids in the hall. best sketch comedy ever. old school snl is great, mad tv has its moments and in living color was awesome. just too many wayans'. kids in the hall dominates. i'm squishing your head!!

3. john candy. wow. i think his (large) body..... of work speaks for itself. a true comedic genius. he is missed every day someone sees one of his movies. especially when he teams up with another canadian hero dan ackroyd in the great outdoors.

2. bryan adams. guilty pleasure but without him, you think robin hood and maid marian would have gotten together in robin hood prince of thieves? plus summer of '69 is a great way to start a party. don't hate. you know you like it.

1. snow. litle known fact, its manufactured in northern calgary. shipping costs really keep us from getting it down here in the south, but its fun when it shows up. snowboarders thank you.

for all these reasons, i say, thanks canucks. you're not that bad after all. just keep these things comin' and take celine dion back and we'll call it even.

I Stepped on a Crack, and My Mother Broke Her Back.

wanna know the best way to spend memorial day weekend? if you guessed in the hospital, you are correct. saturday before memorial day, my mother was on her regularly scheduled horse ride through the woods when unbeknownst to her my foot was dangerously close to a crack in mangler's driveway. suddenly a stiff breeze blew me off balance and my foot landed on a crack. at that same moment in time, 30 miles away, a horse bucked my momma off. it wasn't the buckin' off that hurt. it wasn't the fallin' that hurt. it was the log that hit her lumbar region (lower back) of the spine that caused pain. she broke her l2 vertebrae in half. the top half slid and was 1 cm from touching her spinal cord. 

when she got thrown the horse wandered back to the barn, and the peeps at the barn realized something wasn't right. turns out momma's kinda tough. she got up and started walkin' back to the barn. she decided she needed to go to the hospital. she tried to drive herself. when she got to the hospital, she decided to walk in. the woman has 20+ yrs of hospital/health care experience. she knows what to do when you suffer a back injury. she knows what could be wrong. she knows that if you say, "i fell off a horse and i am having back pains." they will bring you a wheelchair.

 she is gonna be fine as long as she does what the doctor says and takes it easy. she needs to stay off her horses. (wanna buy a horse 2-for-1 deal) turns out, she's a tough little cookie. i think she missed her calling as an ultimate fighter.

This Way to a Great Dinner. Not That Way Meat You Moron!

friday in san francicso, we went on a bay cruise. we hopped on a big boat and went around the san fran bay, and even went under the golden gate bridge. that's right folks, i have now been in the pacific ocean. the ocean is now a little cooler. not temperature wise of course, socially. on our way back to port, we went around alcatraz. it was nice seeing it from a different angle. but i felt like i already knew everything there was to know about the rock. i mean, ive seen a few movies and did a tour. lock me in there and i'll be eating rice-a-roni on the beach in just a few hours. can't no prison hold me!!!!

that evening mrs. meat and i went on our official anniversary dinner. we went to the swank italian joint called e tuttu qua. i'm sure there are supposed to be accents on some of those letters, but i don't feel like doing that. put 'em wherever you'd like. we ordered a bottle of wine (reisling of course. it's the lay-tay's favorite), some seared sea scallops in a mushroom sauce and it was excellect. for the main course, mi amor  ordered linguine with shrimp in a light red sauce. (light as in weight, not color.) i being the meat minded meathead that i am went with the lamb loin stuffed with pesto.  oh my. if i could eat that every day, i would never cook. so good. mmmmmmm. sorry. just drooled on my computer. we were enjoying everything so much, we ordered another bottle of wine. the good thing about the city is, no worries on who's drivin' home. we within a half-mile. so we finished out dinner and just sat watching the hustle and bustle of an amazing italian restaurant, on a busy friday night while we sipped our wine. if when we left i hadn't taken us a half-mile in the wrong direction, it would have been a perfect evening. but since that was the only bad thing, i'd say it went well.